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5 Terrible Things I Learned as a Corporate Whistleblower

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5 Terrible Things I Learned as a Corporate Whistleblower

by admin_pornrev » Sun Mar 15, 2015 7:42 am

5 Terrible Things I Learned as a Corporate Whistleblower

FROM: http://www.cracked.com/article_21043_5- ... lower.html

By Robert Evans, Linda Almonte April 07, 2014 551,116 views

: Linda Almonte.png (115.69 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

On November 30, 2009, Linda Almonte was escorted out of her office by security. (We know -- no big deal, it happens to you every time you slip needles into the NERF darts. Stupid nanny state.) The difference here is that Almonte did nothing wrong: She was an executive with JP Morgan Chase, and her only mistake was doing her job and blowing the whistle on her lawbreaking boss. For the last five years, her life has been a morass of lawsuits and private detectives. Here's what we learned:
The following article is based on a Cracked interview with Linda Almonte.

: You Can Accidentally Become a Whistleblower.png (134.28 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

#5. You Can "Accidentally" Become a Whistleblower
Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty Images
I didn't start off in banking. I worked as a Certified Six Sigma Black Belt for GE, which has less to do with my martial arts prowess than the fact that deals I worked on had an error rate of less than 3.4 per million transactions (sorry, bank ninjas are a bit more boring than regular ninjas). In the early 2000s, a lot of major banks started recruiting GE's Six Sigma Certified employees because they liked what we'd done for GE. I was hired by Washington Mutual first, but eventually JP Morgan Chase brought me to manage a multibillion-dollar area of the credit card division.

: JP Morgan Chase and Co.png (237.58 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Stan Honda / AFP / Getty

Now would be a good time to queue up "The Imperial March."
The trouble started when I picked out a problem. This was not a little problem, either: It was a blatantly illegal $250 million deal. I thought I was protecting the bank. A lot of my success over the years had been due to spotting this kind of thing and stopping it. In the past, that's how I'd climbed the ladder, and I didn't see why it would be different this time.

I was very wrong.

: money money money.png (239.1 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Adam Gault/Photodisc/Getty Images

Above: several hundred things that are apparently more important than the law.

When I pointed out that the deal was super illegal, their response was for me to just sign off on it and let it go through so they could post the earnings that year. If it caused a problem the following year, so be it. They had bonuses to earn now, and any potential prison terms were the future's problem -- and the future would probably have a way to deal with them (lasers or something, knowing how the future rolls).

So I did what I was supposed to do and pulled the sale from the market, because "lie about $250 million today" seemed like crime on a comic book-villain scale. They responded by firing my ass at top speed. A lot of what you see on TV right now about the collections industry as a whole being investigated by the FTC, OCC, SEC, CFPB, AGs, and DOJ started with the wrongful termination suit I filed in Texas against JP
Morgan Chase.

: Even if They're in the Wrong, They'll Still Hold You Accountable for Everything.png (165.38 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com

And the government's elaborate wrist-slapping apparatus whirred into motion.

#4. Even if They're in the Wrong, They'll Still Hold You Accountable for Everything

: A fistful of dollars.png (177.05 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Burke/Triolo Productions/Stockbyte/Getty

JP Morgan wanted to sell a quarter of a billion dollars' worth of debt to a debt buyer. I looked into it just a little and realized that most of these people had settled their debts, or their cases were dismissed by courts, or balances were outdated or inflated, and so on. This doesn't mean we'd have been screwing over the collections agencies, though. They didn't care if the debt info we gave them was out of date or incorrect, because the bank is in the clear either way: When they sell your personal information, they put "as is" at the top of the contract like it's the windshield of a crappy used car.

: Shady backroom deals.png (77.79 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images

This isn't called "robbery" for reasons that are hard to explain.

They were even happy to buy the accounts of people who had already been sued based on older paid debts or incorrectly inflated balances. Since most of these people were never informed they'd been sued in the first place, they'd keep on paying for months or years before realizing what had happened. So there's another thing for you to think about at night instead of sleeping: You may have lost a secret lawsuit and nobody told you. That, and cancer -- you probably have cancer. Come on, you know that mole isn't normal.

: All right nobody call the accused. He seems like a busy guy.png (136.22 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images

"All right, nobody call the accused. He sounds like a busy guy."

The way it all shook out was that JP Morgan and friends agreed to pay $25 billion back in 2012 for all the bullshit in the mortgage settlement. State courts have sued them for billions more. The spotlight shown on their bad behavior also forced Chase to dismiss billions of dollars in phony debt as quickly as possible. This seems awesome from a "general sense of justice" point of view, but costing giant heartless corporations more money than the GDP of Paraguay means ...

#3. They Will Hunt You to the Ends of the Earth

: They Will Hunt You to the Ends of the Earth.png (144.23 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Goodshoot/Goodshoot/Getty Images

In the first few weeks after the shitstorm broke, I was on the front page of the New York Times. In October of 2010, my house was transformed into a 60 Minutes set. It was a whirlwind of media that still hasn't stopped. The family really enjoyed our time working with 60 Minutes. We enjoyed the ensuing constant life-ruining surveillance substantially less.

: Whistleblowing is all the bad parts of fame with none of the gold plated jet skis.png (162.23 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Ryan McVay/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Whistleblowing is all the bad parts of fame, with none of the gold-plated jet skis.

At one point we wound up renting a house in Florida with an abandoned home right across the street (pretty normal in Florida, considering the number of foreclosures, alligator riots, and bath-salt zombies). The day after we moved in, some guy came to rent the empty house. He never moved any furniture, but suddenly a small forest of new antennas sprouted on the roof of the house. Isn't it good to know that, while your bank can't put you on the phone with a human being in under an hour, they can have PIs watching your house in less than a day?

Our house was broken into three times, once with me home. I guess they assumed that since all the cars were gone no one was there. I was in the garage doing laundry, then I walked into the kitchen and the guy from the empty house across the street was there. He looked around for a bit, then bent over and picked up my toy poodle and claimed he found her outside under his car. On the scale of lame improvised excuses for getting caught breaking into somebody's house, that's somewhere between yelling "Surprise! It's your birthday!" and "I'm you from the future."

: It turns out you were the banks all along.png (155.43 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images

"It turns out you were the banks all along!"

You get used to that kind of heavy surveillance, but you shouldn't. My elementary school-age daughter was leaving school one day and a teacher overheard her saying to one of her friends, "Oh God, I hope that van doesn't follow me home today." Being a responsible human adult, that teacher flipped out. I was in New York for a meeting and got a call -- but she was no longer concerned about the van. No, my daughter had very matter-of-factly explained that it was just Chase tailing her home and it was no big deal. The teacher found that terrifying: No 11-year-old's reaction to a freaking black van tailing her should be blase acceptance.

My mother had terminal cancer at the time all this started, and she wanted a big family gathering at Disney World. This was right before she entered hospice, so it was sort of our last hurrah together, and we couldn't go from ride to ride without PIs taking pictures of us. That's some seriously excessive, privacy-violating surveillance -- even for a Disney park.

: At least Disney's surveillance stops at the park.png (186.05 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Michael Blann/Photodisc/Getty Images

At least Disney's surveillance stops at the park.

It really bothered my mom, so finally I confronted them: "You are going to leave. You will NOT follow me around anymore while I am on vacation with my mother and family. You go back to Baker Botts and Chase and tell them I'm gonna make it REAL freaking easy for them to stalk me. From now on, everywhere I go, whatever I do, I'll post it on Facebook with my GPS location and a photo publicly online." I even snapped them a picture of my visitor badge when I stopped by the SEC to hand over all the information for our case. I kept my promise and still do to this day. Sure, you're probably going to be automatically enrolled in that program with the next Facebook update, whether you like it or not, but I was doing it before it was cool.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_21043_5- ... z2yzjXzBw4

#2. You'll Never Work Again

: You'll never work again.png (167.11 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Pixland/Pixland/Getty Images

I'm still unemployed now, five years later. I was even barred from receiving unemployment in Texas. I lost my house, my apartment -- right now I live off my dad's Social Security and VA disability. No place in the world is going to hire someone who got her former boss sued by the government and has cost them billions and climbing. That's right up there with "steals lunches from the employee fridge" on the list of deadly office sins. And even if they were willing to hire me, I'm continually testifying in front of that alphabet soup of agencies and attorneys general I mentioned earlier.

: Testifying is apparently so stressful that JP Morgan's CEO needs 20 million a year to cope with it..png (98.55 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

The Washington Post / Getty Images

Testifying is apparently so stressful that JP Morgan's CEO needs $20 million a year to cope with it.

"Sorry, I may have to miss work half the month, and I can't really tell you why right now" doesn't make a great impression on prospective employers: Their natural first assumptions are "spy" or "serious opium addict." In the space of a few years, I went from living in the nicest part of San Antonio and working as an executive with a good salary to living with my dad on food stamps. All because I told the truth and refused to commit hundreds of millions of dollars in fraud in one day. Whistleblowing means being "forever unemployable," while the people you blew the whistle on get promotions and massive bonuses.

Google my name, and you're immediately aware of my legal history. Even the absolute laziest background check is going to find that out. Pretty much the best I can hope for is that Google will ask them if they meant "Del Monte" and maybe I'll be mistaken for a fruit cup magnate.

It ... hasn't happened yet.

#1. The Legal Battles Will Take Decades

: The Legal Battles Will Take Decades.png (276 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images

I was the first person I know of to file as a whistleblower under the SEC's new Whistleblower Program under Dodd-Frank. So if the government ever does the right thing and prosecutes these people, I'll get 10 to 30 percent of the SEC fines. That sounds awesome, but we've been at this for five years now, and my lawyer says we have a minimum of five to seven years longer just testifying and subpoenaing between AG actions and upcoming class actions. A child was born at the start of this case, and it will live long enough to grow ungrateful and angsty before we ever see a dollar.

: The court will now adjourn until we can think up a new reason to adjourn.png (178.69 KiB) Viewed 7343 times

Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images

"The court will now adjourn until we can think up a new reason to adjourn."

My story isn't necessarily common. Sometimes it works out: The best possible outcome for someone like me is that of Bradley Birkenfeld. He blew the whistle on a massive income tax scam in 2005 and finally received his award in 2012. That was three years after his bank paid their fine. On the plus side, he made $104 million for his trouble. On the downside, it took seven years, and he spent two and half of those in prison for it. Rarely is "go directly to jail" the best case scenario.

The funniest thing is that I never went in search of an attorney to sue Chase, or anyone else. After it all went down, I would have moved on and started working at another bank, doing what I do best: not committing a quarter of a billion dollars' worth of fraud every day. They left me no choice but to file suit by taking pretty much everything else away. You don't think of banks and other corporations as being susceptible to petty human motivations like revenge.

But that's only because you don't know them well enough.
________________________________________
Linda has a GoFundMe page where you can donate to help her keep blowing the heck out of that whistle. Robert Evans runs Cracked's personal experience team and if you'd like to tell him a story send an email here.

Related Reading: Cracked's given you the inside scoop on a lot of crazy things lately, including the Ukrainian revolution and freaking Disneyworld. We also helped a transgendered woman explain how Hollywood ignores the realities of her life, and talked to a Dominatrix about the truths behind different sexual fetishes. Not full of knowledge yet? Read about one woman's escape from the Church of Scientology.

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989 Comments
Recent Votes You | Show Profanity
1. Baffled Toad
o +1
o
o
04-14-2014 | 2:41 pm
stories like this are whats making me take the 18X. i want the skills to track these mother fuckers down one by one. slow and careful. just to bring karmic justice to these fucks. And not the small guys either. im talking the ones at the top and their entourage of aspiring assholes. not for any ideals or change, not even to make the america a better place. just to be the hand of retribution. to let them know someone out their is waiting for them to wipe their ass with that hundred dollar bill that could have been buying the groceries for Mrs jane doe and her 2 kids. just to make a cheesy pun about Catching them with their pants down.

but in the end im just some kid spewing stupid s**t on the internet. and im probably not doing any of this post enlistment. or even post seniority.

although one day these assholes will go too far, and that Adolescent Fury that builds in all of us time to time will hit critical mass and i'll suddenly find my self late to the 'Stalk and kill' party.
Reply
VR1982
o +1
o
o
04-13-2014 | 6:41 pm
Linda: Thank you for your integrity and courage in reporting the fraud.
Unfortunately, there are a large number of people in business who respond to being accused of wrongdoing by trying to get back at their accuser. It's a form of defensive behaviour that shames the rest of us.
Hope things turn out well for you.
Reply
aghican'tthinkofaname
o +6
o
o
04-10-2014 | 1:42 pm
Reading this made me welcome any apocalypse with open arms. Please tear down this s**t we're building!!
Reply
marshall1988
o -3
o
o
04-09-2014 | 9:05 pm
To United States

Good afternoon

From Australia
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies
3.
jez_24

 0
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
04-09-2014 | 11:37 pm
LOL can you imagine this happening in Australia? I'd love to see that.
4.
Skua

 0
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04-10-2014 | 10:12 pm
I don't know enough about Australia to understand these comments. Would either of you care to explain them?
DougL
o +3
o
o
04-09-2014 | 4:46 pm
Good luck.
Reply
CompanionCube
o +10
o
o
04-09-2014 | 11:49 am
You know, it's articles like these that make me want to be a regulator when I grow up.
Reply
3.
Mehh

 +9


04-09-2014 | 7:24 pm
Regulators!! Mount up!
rissx
o -52
o
o
04-09-2014 | 8:46 am
this article sucks. it's terribly unfunny, seriously a "you have cancer" joke? no, because your mother died of cancer does not make it okay with me either. also it required me to familiarize myself with far too many externally linked articles to know what you were talking about. thumb me down I don't care, my opinion is my opinion.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies
3.
Shamrock95

 +41


04-09-2014 | 8:52 am
"also it required me to familiarize myself with far too many externally linked articles to know what you were talking about."

Eeeeeeek! Research! *waves arms about in a cartoonish manner*
4.
Johnnythefirst

 +48


04-09-2014 | 10:20 am
Shame on you Cracked, trying to make this poor man a tad smarter without his permission.
Werrf
o +18
o
o
04-09-2014 | 6:41 am
This is what happens when laws aren't enforced because the banks own the politicians - and that in turn is what happens when a society is run to benefit the economy, rather than running an economy to benefit the society as a whole.
Reply
3.
PeteJonz

 +1


04-11-2014 | 7:22 am
Wasn't the entire reason that the bank came down on this woman because when they were outed the government came after them like a pack of starving hyenas? Seems to me that when the government became aware of the situation they were more than willing to enforce the laws.
TekDek
o -15
o
o
04-09-2014 | 1:32 am
This is why Nazis became a thing once, you know... Hitler was fighting the Bankers. Labeled them Jews for convenience and public support.
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies
3.
missvivian

 +31


04-09-2014 | 2:25 am
Right... everyone knows that Hitler killed 6 million "bankers" during the Holocaust.

What the hell is wrong with you?
4.
j012344

 +18


04-09-2014 | 3:33 am
God, every time I read a great article like this I can know with ironclad certainty the comments I read are going to be some of the most retarded things I've ever seen.

Don't pretend you're trolling or trying to be clever, either.
JimMoriarty
o +9
o
o
04-09-2014 | 1:31 am
Jesus. I have friends who work in the Australian Public Service and they can be fired for *not* reporting any fraud or non compliance with security regulations that they become aware of.

I know it's a popular pastime to make fun of the APS but I do think there's only a small minority who would do the wrong thing intentionally (and because it's tax payer money they have to pay any money back).

Meanwhile, this $2 charge for using an ATM that isn't your own bank...
Reply
JCA
o -18
o
o
04-08-2014 | 10:55 pm
Man, what a downbeat article! Is cracked still a comedy website?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies
3.
Shamrock95

 +18


04-09-2014 | 4:13 am
Ding ding ding! We got one, ladies and gentlemen! We've got another comment whining about how this article didn't make him laugh!
4.
ermac98

 0
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
04-09-2014 | 10:57 pm
No.
RezRising

admin_pornrev: Site Admin; Posts: 832; Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2009 4:35 pm

5 Terrible Things I Learned as a Corporate Whistleblower

by admin_pornrev » Sun Mar 15, 2015 7:43 am

04-08-2014 | 10:51 pm
Sounds like Chase and HSBC should hold a contest.....
Reply
hamsterjelly
o +13
o
o
04-08-2014 | 10:31 pm
See, libertarians? This is why we have regulations. So these corporations don't pull s**t like this and get away with it.
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies
3.
Shades103

 +4


04-08-2014 | 10:40 pm
Libertarians actually believe in having some form of government. It's what separates them from the anarchists.
4.
SpyKoopa

 -1


04-10-2014 | 2:55 pm
I thought the republicans were the ones who were wanting less regulation?

I don't think people understand political parties anymore.
Whiteglint3
o +7
o
o
04-08-2014 | 9:16 pm
anyone who is shocked by this is blind, the Banks RUN this town and wield more power than all 3 branches of the government combined.

that isn't hyperbole, its truth, the GOVERNMENT is reliant on the BANKS for the economy to even exist.

and YOU all are essentially owned by the Banks, if they tell the government to throw you off a bus, Obama would as "How far".
Reply
3.
Ururu117

 -2


04-12-2014 | 8:33 am
Uhh. No. Because the banks are regulated by the government, and have been torn down before. The banks need the government way more than the government needs the banks; look into why we have FDIC.
drunkanddirty
o +11
o
o
04-08-2014 | 8:56 pm
Since this was in Florida, why didn't she just shoot the guy who broke in her house?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies
3.
NickHirsch

 +9


04-10-2014 | 12:24 am
He may not have been black enough.
4.
MidoriHaru

 -2


04-10-2014 | 8:28 pm
Because she's a decent human being?
Chimar
o +12
o
o
04-08-2014 | 8:34 pm
what a world it would be if our leaders could (or wanted to) go up to bankers and say "hey, buddy, go f**k yourself. also, i seized all your stuff and distributed it to the people you screwed over. you twat." and then fart on him.

a man can dream...
Reply
3.
Wereboar

 +1


04-09-2014 | 2:57 pm
In reality they would seize the property of bankers, give people some to appease those concerned about safety of their wealth and then pocketed majority of the confiscated money.
kelkysayshey
o +3
o
o
04-08-2014 | 7:10 pm
what the hell, chase. now i wanna change banks.
Reply Hide All See All 7 Replies
3.
Shades103

 +5


04-08-2014 | 10:41 pm
It won't be any better.
4.
j012344

 +13


04-09-2014 | 3:42 am
Would be if you went to a credit union. They're fundamentally different from banks.
shutupsuptup
o -7
o
o
04-08-2014 | 7:01 pm
so first he snitchin... den he snitchin about de snitchin... to us.

Snitchception
Reply
3.
psychojosh13

 +1


04-13-2014 | 8:13 pm
See how much you still hate snitches when your mother/spouse/best friend/whoever gets killed in front of a dozen witnesses who refuse to talk.
Krazy Karl
o +1
o
o
04-08-2014 | 5:49 pm
This makes me want to die.
Reply
3.
Mr.Purple

 +6


04-09-2014 | 12:17 pm
You should channel that feeling towards banks.
4.
Wereboar

 +1


04-09-2014 | 2:58 pm
And should make you want to kill.
LoneRonin
o +16
o
o
04-08-2014 | 5:10 pm
I propose that we enlist the help of the general public to hamper and troll the banks.

We could take turns guarding her car/house. If the PIs follow her or her family, a set of pedestrians/cars can surround the van, then a bunch of us could whip out our cell phones and say we saw this guy in a strange van following a teenage girl/woman and are 'helpfully' holding him until the cops come. Blare loud music into the PI's home base and pay the neighbors to allow 'creative' art projects that block his view/jam his equipment and scream profanities at him about how he's a member of the gastapo/toady for the bank.

Maybe others with HR/education/law experience could help her with work/training for a career change/legal stuff too.
Reply
3.
Asurea

 +15


04-08-2014 | 7:12 pm
KISS.
Keep it simple, stupid. Noise violations, obstructing traffic... It would make her look like a rabble rouser. Naming and shaming the PI's involved, repeatedly calling the cops on the PI's, and making certain the local and national news gets good footage of what's happening (black van following a kid) are much better, and legal, ways to obstruct and break down these turds.
4.
LoneRonin

 +4


04-08-2014 | 8:31 pm
It's not obstructing traffic, just keeping the single van from driving off and taking down the license plate number.

And I'm sure we could read the bylaws just to make sure everything is just within the law, but preventing the PIs from getting anything done.
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